My friends, we are about to do one of the most impossible things that someone who doesn’t play chess very often can do.

Have I played chess before? Sure. Am I good? Absolutely not. I don’t know any openings. I don’t know any strategies. All I know is how each piece moves. I don’t even really understand what castling is or how to do it. So, I have my work cut out for me.

To prove that I’m not just making this up and I’m secretly a 2000 Elo player, take a look at this screenshot.

This is just downright embarrassing. Barely above 100. People start at 400! My bullet score is 463, which is the best out of them. Due to website constraints it cut off; but trust me, it’s only slightly better.

I refuse to go down like this. My reputation is on the line. Animals around the world are laughing at me. A crow the other day was laughing at me because of my chess rating. I cannot have the animals I swore to protect laughing at my mere existence.

How to Learn Chess Openings Fast Without a Premium Subscription

The first thing I need is a battle strategy. I can’t just go into a chess game hoping on a miracle I beat a 1000 Elo bot. The problem is I’m too cheap to pay for a Chess.com subscription.

I search for free alternatives. I need YouTube. I need Anna Cramling. The Cow might be the only way! Alright, maybe I’m not even good enough for the Cow yet. With great power comes great responsibility. It’s too powerful for me right now.

What about Levy (GothamChess)? Maybe his book Chess for Babies can help teach me? I’m a baby, right? Wait, but that costs money and I’m broke. Okay, I need to regroup. Let’s head over to YouTube.

Learning from the Masters: My Free 24-Hour Chess Boot Camp

The first Youtube short I watched was from Nemo and she gave the advice if you’re white start with E4 and if you’re black E5. This will allow beginners to be forced to practice the basics of chess. Obviously, if you’re higher up this strategy might change. Remember, I’m not Magnus Carlsen. I’m sure this video is strictly for people to get to at least 1500 Elo.

Control the center, develop my pieces, and castle early. I have to watch a video on what castling even is and how to do it.

UPDATE: Okay! So, castling is when there is nothing between the king and the rook and this allows you to move two pieces at the same time. The king can move multiple squares which it isn’t usually allowed to do and the rook just jumps over the king. I can see how this is a pretty powerful move and you’d be destroyed without doing it.

I’ve also learned bits and pieces of openings but I’m trying not to just copy specific games exactly cause I feel like that’s cheating. I want to try and take everything I learned and use logic. Anyone who knows about chess is going to hang their head in disappointment in all the mistakes I make. Nevertheless, I embarrass myself for science!

Game Time: Testing My Free Strategy Against the 1000 ELO Chess Bot

I’m playing against the coach bot Maria. I realized earlier that I made a mistake blending the terms coaches and bots. I don’t really know if there is a difference, but that just proves how little I know about chess!

I am white in this game. As Nemo suggested, I started with my pawn on e4.

Guys, I’m panicking already. I forgot all the openings I learned! I need to keep calm under pressure. My opponent plays her pawn to c5. I feel like I remember Levy saying to move my knight to f3, so that’s exactly what I will do.

Opponent moves her pawn to d6. I’ve never been so nervous before. I’m shaking and sweaty! I know I have to move my pieces to the center, and I’m gonna try to stay in position for an early castle.

I wanted to move my bishop to d3, but my pawn is in the way, so it can’t fully scope out everything. I thought that seemed like a way to get it closer to the center and allow me to castle soon. Wait, I should move it to c4 because that’s much more open. Let’s do it!

She moved her queen to b6, and I’m scared, guys. It’s coming for me. I’m too young to die!

Okay, this is where I castle. Don’t let me down! I move my king to g1, and my rook moved to f1 automatically. Maria then moved her pawn to a5.

It’s so much more difficult now. I should move something to the center, but I don’t know what to move. I think I want to move my pawn to d3 so I can move my other bishop out to scope everything. I’ll do that.

She moved her bishop to e6. I want to move my pawn to h3 because I feel like her pieces might try to come down and attack my knight, and I feel like my king will stay completely protected. I’m doing it.

She moved her pawn to g6. I moved my bishop to f4, and she jumped her queen to b2 and took my pawn. Not good! I feel like right now, unless I’m not seeing anything, her queen is kind of stuck.

I’m gonna be bold and push my pawn to e5. Maria slid her queen all the way down into my home corner at a1 and took my rook! This is not going well. I scrambled to adjust, but she immediately used her e6 bishop to capture mine on c4.

I struck back, moving a pawn to recapture her bishop on c4. So far, I’ve only taken one of her pieces against her taking three of mine. She then advanced her knight to d7.

I moved my queen to c2 because I think I see a way to destroy her queen! Maria pushed her pawn to e5, taking my bishop on f4. Then, greedily, her queen jumped to b1 to take my knight—but that was her final mistake. I swung my rook across the back row to b1 and completely smashed her queen! Rook to b1 it is!

She moved her knight to f6. I feel like I can breathe easier knowing her queen is gone. I move my bishop to c5, and she moved her king to f7 for some reason.

I move my rook to b7 and took a pawn. She moves her knight to e4. I move my bishop to b6, and she goes pawn to a4. I move my pawn to f3, and she moves her knight back to f6.

This is where it gets tricky. Do I just start plowing through her pieces? I don’t want to just do takes and takes for the sake of it. I’m gonna move my pawn forward and take out her knight. She moves her bishop to h6.

Her bishop is scaring me right now. I’m gonna try and set up taking it out, so I’ll move my queen to e2. That could allow my bishop to come in later for a takes and takes. Wish me luck! She moved her bishop back to f8.

I moved a pawn to g3, and she jumped her knight to e4, taking a pawn. I move my knight to f3, and she goes bishop to g7. Oh, she blocked my knight.

I moved my pawn to g4, and she went rook to g8 so both her rooks are beside each other. Not good.

I just went pawn to f5, and she used her pawn to capture it. Perhaps I’m getting a little impatient now and that could cost me. I just want to go for the win. I moved my knight to g5, and her knight took me because I wasn’t paying attention. I’m going to scream into my pillow.

I moved my queen to g2, and she moved her pawn to h6. Not looking good for me. I moved my queen all the way to c6, and she used her knight to take my pawn on h3. My king is now trapped. Lord save me.

I move my king to h2, and she moved her rook to a8. I move my bishop to a7, and she went knight to g5. I went queen to c7, and she moved her rook to a7, destroying my bishop—but I got to use my rook to destroy it right back!

She moves her bishop to f6. I’m gonna try moving my pawn up to see if I can get another queen. I moved my pawn to c5, and for some reason, she went rook to b8. I instantly moved my queen over to destroy it!

She moved her knight to f3 to check my king. I moved my king to g3, and she moved her pawn to e4 to block me again. I moved my rook to a4, and she moved her bishop to h4.

I moved my king to h3, but she moved her knight to g5, which allows my king to take her bishop on h4! She moves her knight to f3. I go king to g3. I went rook to a7, and I feel like there’s a checkmate somewhere here, but I’m not good enough yet to execute it.

She moved her king back to g6. I moved my queen to f8, and she moved her knight to g5. I feel like I’m on the verge of a checkmate, but I don’t see it yet. I’m so sorry, Anna Cramling and Magnus Carlsen. They would be ashamed of this.

Wait, if I go rook to g7, is that a good move? I’m going for it. Okay. I’m gonna move my queen to e5 to get rid of her clutter of pieces and take a pawn. She moves her pawn to e3.

I moved my queen to e5, taking out another pawn, and she moved her pawn to e2. I use my queen to take that out as well.

She moves her knight to f3! Guys, my queen stomps it out! I can’t believe this. Wait, I got a checkmate!

I didn’t even see that; I just lucked into it. Guys, there is no way! Look at this!

My accuracy was 54% which we won’t even look at. Let’s just enjoy this victory!

I don’t think I’m gonna be a constant chess player. One game was so much headache and panic. I’ll dabble in it every now and then and watch all my favorite chess players like Anna Cramling do their thing. Leave this to the pros. I feel like I only got lucky because the bot was really bad making simple mistakes but I’m taking the W.

Field Research Disclaimer: Content is for entertainment and editorial purposes only. I am not a medical, legal, or professional advisor. Photography is captured via handheld, minimal equipment for independent research in public or authorized spaces—no identifiable subjects are featured. Do not attempt these observations; consult a professional for safety. Findings are independent observations of Comfy Chaos Collective.